Things I Learned From My Grandfather

If you limp across the street cars will slow down for you,
If you roll over their hood, they will get out and chat.

Pretending not to know how to work an elevator will save you valuable finger movements.

You can talk little brothers into just about anything even, "Open your mouth and close your eyes."

The red color of Mecurochrome not only makes a wound look bloodier than it really is thus evoking greater sympathy, but it stings less than alcohol.

They still sell glass bottles of grape pop, you just need to know where to look.

Stompin’ Tom is best listened to while stomping along.

Saying “I hate to do this to you” with a sly smile before attempting a tricky Crokinole shot will only backfire about 10% of the time.

You can do shots of maple syrup.

Green grass on an electric fence will only give you a mild shock.

While lawn darts may be deadly, they are still a lot of fun.

While pulling weeds may sound like fun, it’s really not.

Full boar down Dead Man’s Hill on your bike is a rush.

Butterscotch candy is underrated.

Horehound candy is overrated.

Shaving in the kitchen sink will garner an audience.

You can eat whatever you want if you work hard enough.

Getting in good with the chef often leads to extra pie.

To walk it off.

Thank you.