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Monday, September 29, 2008

Things I Learned From My Grandfather

If you limp across the street cars will slow down for you,
If you roll over their hood, they will get out and chat.

Pretending not to know how to work an elevator will save you valuable finger movements.

You can talk little brothers into just about anything even, "Open your mouth and close your eyes."

The red color of Mecurochrome not only makes a wound look bloodier than it really is thus evoking greater sympathy, but it stings less than alcohol.

They still sell glass bottles of grape pop, you just need to know where to look.

Stompin’ Tom is best listened to while stomping along.

Saying “I hate to do this to you” with a sly smile before attempting a tricky Crokinole shot will only backfire about 10% of the time.

You can do shots of maple syrup.

Green grass on an electric fence will only give you a mild shock.

While lawn darts may be deadly, they are still a lot of fun.

While pulling weeds may sound like fun, it’s really not.

Full boar down Dead Man’s Hill on your bike is a rush.

Butterscotch candy is underrated.

Horehound candy is overrated.

Shaving in the kitchen sink will garner an audience.

You can eat whatever you want if you work hard enough.

Getting in good with the chef often leads to extra pie.

To walk it off.

Thank you.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Leonardo, My Friend

So, Leonardo DiCaprio and I are friends.

Sounds hard to believe I know. I myself have even wondered from time to time if our relationship is truly reciprocal. I mean, I go see his movies, pay full price even, but what has he ever done for me? Birthday’s have come and gone with nary a peep from my celebrity chum. True, he is a busy guy (movies do take months to film and then there are the awards shows and celebrity parties to consider) so perhaps I really shouldn’t take it personally, but I must admit I do.

And then it came, a letter from Hollywood (he still lives there right? I have yet to receive a house warming invite at the time of this posting) that put any doubts I may have had to rest, written on official Leonardo DiCaprio buff stationary complete with photo (wonder if I need to send him one now?).

‘Dear Friend,’ he began.

What could this be I wondered? Did he want to catch up, invite me to a Halloween party or give me his new address? Sadly no, it was none of these. Leo (as all his good friends call him) is concerned about the plight of the Polar Bear and I guess was writing to vent. Skimming the letter quickly I soon realized how one sided our relationship really was. Sure, I care about the Polar Bear but what about a ‘How have you been?’ or ‘Did you go with the tan or the white in the bathroom?’ Is that really too much to ask?

So, unfortunately, I have to say dear Leo (and I apologize for letting you know in a blog) that I think our friendship must come to an end. I really just don’t have time for a fair weather friend.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

My First Time

I must begin by saying that I am writing this somewhat reluctantly. It’s not that I lack the time (I don’t sleep much), the technical ability (I have friends for that) or god forbid, the mental meanderings that make blogs what they are today, but mostly just the impetus.

Why, I asked my happily blogging buddy (who pushed me into this fools endeavour), would anyone care what I thought about global warming (fyi: I’m against it), raspberry pie (yes, please) or dry cleaning? (that one will remain a teaser). True, I’ve regaled many a lonely drunk past closing time with my notions but could this talent, this skill I possess to prevent them from actually falling asleep translate into a wider audience? Hard to say.

Blogging, I proceeded to explain to my puzzled looking friend, may actually be counterproductive to my life’s mission (it’s to be a hermit or, dreaming big; a recluse).

There is also the concept of arrogance to consider I continued, could I really be so bold, so egocentric to believe that two to three people might actually read this? Comment even? Oh, to hope.

So here I sit, typing away for what it’s worth. Not because of any inner drive, social conscience or lust for fame (it is possible though right? Right?), but because a friend asked me to, and anyone who knows me knows, I’d do most anything for a friend.

A final note: Yes, I am fully aware of the title of this post and what you were probably expecting. A word of advice; coming to terms with that disappointed feeling now will save us both a lot of time in the future.