Leonardo, My Friend

So, Leonardo DiCaprio and I are friends.

Sounds hard to believe I know. I myself have even wondered from time to time if our relationship is truly reciprocal. I mean, I go see his movies, pay full price even, but what has he ever done for me? Birthday’s have come and gone with nary a peep from my celebrity chum. True, he is a busy guy (movies do take months to film and then there are the awards shows and celebrity parties to consider) so perhaps I really shouldn’t take it personally, but I must admit I do.

And then it came, a letter from Hollywood (he still lives there right? I have yet to receive a house warming invite at the time of this posting) that put any doubts I may have had to rest, written on official Leonardo DiCaprio buff stationary complete with photo (wonder if I need to send him one now?).

‘Dear Friend,’ he began.

What could this be I wondered? Did he want to catch up, invite me to a Halloween party or give me his new address? Sadly no, it was none of these. Leo (as all his good friends call him) is concerned about the plight of the Polar Bear and I guess was writing to vent. Skimming the letter quickly I soon realized how one sided our relationship really was. Sure, I care about the Polar Bear but what about a ‘How have you been?’ or ‘Did you go with the tan or the white in the bathroom?’ Is that really too much to ask?

So, unfortunately, I have to say dear Leo (and I apologize for letting you know in a blog) that I think our friendship must come to an end. I really just don’t have time for a fair weather friend.